betwixt and between

This year has flown by; and it’s not been without its ups and downs (again).

Covid19 has a lot to answer for but perhaps it’s more than a virus.

A sign.

Yes, a sign.

And it comes with oracular portent.

Or at least that’s how it feels to me, even though we want to get through it and find a solution in order to get back to our old ways.

Fat chance of that.

In my case, I’m sure it’s causative of a resigned acceptance of my inability to find the energy to move jobs. As will be clear by now, I don’t mind the subject of law — it has much to commend it — but the practice, even in-house, well, let’s just say it ran its course a long time ago; 2010 to be precise, when I realised that I wasn’t just a fish out of water but the water was slowly killing me.

At that point, I should have cut all ties. But I didn’t. Eventually, I was reeled back to its dark shores because I had nowhere else to go.

What else was I to do?

Downsize to matchbox size?
Or retire?

I don’t honestly know. I wasn’t grabbed by anything sufficient to keep me falling once again into its thorny arms. There was talk of being a creative, a speaker (ye gads) or a management consultant. But they all came and went. In truth, my heart was never in it.

If my heart lay anywhere it was in something much more ethereal, having (it felt like) been touched by something deeply nourishing of my soul. I’m being careful not to label said experience but let’s just say that having read a few lines of the Heart Sutra my life was never the same again.

But it’s one thing to come alive or to wake up and then to have the idea that you should try to connect with others who might have had a similar experience let alone hold yourself out as some New-Age teacher.

Nope. That’s the last thing the world needs now, namely, someone telling you how to live or experience your life.

But I’d be lying if I didn’t still feel a need to burst a few cultural bubbles.

Sorry, that came out all wrong.

What I mean is that we’re too easily seduced to believe in the dominant narrative of be all you can be, meaning we’re supposed to live up to our potential (whatever that means) no matter the cost.

How about something else?

“Be — drop becoming.” — Osho

I don’t know.

I mean, it sounds arrogant and deeply self-important to think I’m in any position to proselytise my life’s experience as some metaphor for a life well-lived. It’s not been anything like that. Too much of my life has been given over to work and not much else. And somewhere out there lives a whole pile of regrets.

Anyhow, all I’m trying to say, and apologies for the slightly broken message, is that there are still a few things I’d like to do before I slip away and lead a nice quiet.

Have a wonderful day.

Take care.


Photo by Michael Krahn on Unsplash