How often do we investigate or study our lives?
Yes, if necessary, from an existential perspective but also to understand why we’ve arrived at a position of dislocation from where or what we expected.
It’s conjecture (as always…) but not often enough!
It seems from my experience that we’re hard-wired to keep ‘doing’, even if there’s no feeling or sense with what we’re doing.
(Of course, if you’re living on the streets, starving or brutalised in some way, then living is your #1 priority and wondering about these abstract issues is, well, meaningless.)
In my case, I’ve spent far too many hours pinned down by my own expectations without questioning — and I mean deeply questioning — why I’ve followed a path that’s more often than not left me wondering…
“What the hell am I doing?”
Trust me, when you go really deep with the questioning, what you’ll realise is that it’s very hard to understand why you chose one path and not another; and there’s a strong sense, I’d say an overwhelming sense, that you’re not in control of any of it.
I Tweeted recently about my angst with choosing law as a career. I got a mixed bag of responses but one thing I do know is that even if I did it for the right reasons, I sure as hell didn’t question the narrative I discovered on entering the profession. As to my dreams, aspirations and creative leanings, they were very quickly annihilated on the altar of billing the sh*t out of clients.
I don’t want to labour this self-enquiry point — I’ve written more than a few posts which go to the point — but if this blog is about anything it’s finding the crack in your psyche where the light can enter your soul. (I’ve stolen this from Leonard Cohen’s song, Anthem.) In other words, to enable you in some mysterious, life-affirming way to awake to true self — see New Seeds of Contemplation by Thomas Merton.
But of course, if all this seems like too much hard work or irrelevant to your life, I’ll completely understand if you don’t buy into the idea there is and will always remain a way to access the unlived life that lies deepest in your soul.
PS. You’ll see that I’ve started to write again on Patreon. Next Monday, I’ll be talking about my writing and creative journey over the coming months. If you’re able to follow me on Patreon, then you don’t have to pay any money to do so. All you need is to create an account.